Mon Dieu, Monsieur Depardieu!

A novice blogger, I’m learning from my short experience that if you touched on some even most obscure subject and got a few readers, then you absolutely must stay on it ‘till it loses its relevance to… those few readers. The famous Chinese saying, If you saved someone’s life then forever after you will be responsible for that someone, comes to mind. Personally, I never warmed up to the sentiment. I’d imagine, a few souls were lost because someone who might’ve saved them – and had both courage and opportunity to do so – didn’t, afraid of responsibility that comes with it… according to Chinese that is.

La MoujikI’ve got a nudge and a prod to see through Gérard Depardieu’s ever developing love story with Russians and write about it some more.

Indeed, the story has a continuation. If at all interested, read just exactly where it’s going in The Guardian, Gérard Depardieu praises Vladimir Putin and attacks Russian opposition.

I’ll re-tell a story that might be harder to find for a non-Russian-speaking person, and might only benefit from a smudge of Russian accent here and there – an appropriate add-on in this instance. Here it goes:

After the initial rejoicing, Russians became seriously concerned about Gérard’s wellbeing as a result of his resettlement and domestication as a new citizen.

Maxim Galkin, a mega-famous Russian comedian, had written an open letter to Monsieur Depardieu, giving him a free advice… in exchange for another drop in a bucket of his own ever-growing popularity.

Maxim Galkin in furs. Funny that he didn't advise Monsieur Depardieu on the quality of pelts...

Maxim Galkin in furs. Funny that he didn’t advise Monsieur Depardieu on the quality of pelts…

I’ll do my best to convey the gist of Mr. Galkin’s letter for free… in exchange for a bucket of your ever-growing interest in my blog.

This is what Maxim Galkin said, in my serviceable translation:

Firstly, I’d advice against switching to Russian groceries too hastily; do it gradually. I know you have enough money to purchase your chow in a more or even the most expensive stores, but you have to remember that, in contrast to France, Russian food prices, however exuberant, do not guarantee quality. That might come as a surprise to you. Thus I’d recommend ordering food, particularly meat, cheese and eggs, in France and have it delivered by cargo planes.

Galkin’s second advice was to swear off  “the libations with governors.”  Mr. Galkin recommends leaving such gathering “a bit earlier than good manners dictate, citing your scheduled meeting with President Putin to discuss Bridget Bardot’s Russian citizenship as a plausible excuse. “Libations with governors,” Galkin warns, “might turn out to be yet another minefield of surprises.”

Thirdly, the Russian actor advises his French colleague to avoid driving vehicles of any kind after the gathering where drinking is customary (read, all of them). In Russia, unlike in backward France, Galkin says, you might be stopped even if you aren’t drunk and lose your driving license immediately  (not being drunk should be the least of Monsieur Depardieu’s worries, given his well-publicized love of good and plentiful drink).  

“On the other hand, unlike in law-abiding France,” Galkin consoles, “you can talk it over with Russian police and often find mutual grounds for settling things right there and then.” What might come as a surprise is the amount of money changing hands.

Galkin’s advise number four was to refuse invitations to participate in hunting parties with Russian officials. They get a thrill out of shooting animals listed in the protected species register from low flying helicopters. This fact might immediately reach Bridget Bardot, the animal rights activist. Bardot might then be disappointed in both the Russians and you, Gérard ,which in turn might lead Bridget to rethink her desire to join you in the ranks of famous Russian citizens. Without Bridget there wouldn’t be as much fun even in Russia, would there? That might come as a surprise…

Gérard Depardieu as Obelix in  Astérix et Obélix contre César

Gérard Depardieu as Obelix in Astérix et Obélix contre César

Well,  I’d add, but then again, there might be others… both women and surprises.

And, finally, Maxim Galkin advises to be very aware of an extreme winter cold and just as extreme summer heat on some Russian movie sets and inside TV studios, added to the extreme discomfort of actors’ trailers – that is if the actor plans to pursue his chosen career in Russia. Oh, and cleanness of toilets, of course… So never forget to take a removable toilet seat covers to all those places, otherwise there definitely will be surprises.

Funny that Mr. Galkin didn’t advise Monsieur Depardieu on the quality of pelts or the best Russian furs… Although I’m not an expert in furs, Mr. Galkin’s fur might be that of silver fox (Vulpes fulvus). Sables would be excellent too,  either made into winter coats and worn on cold movie sets or made into soft and fuzzy removable toilet seats. To think of it, doesn’t the fur collar  of Mr. Galkin’s coat looks exactly as you’d imagine such a seat – extremely soft, warm and perfectly shaped?

If you are saddened by the thought of the fate of cute creatures, whose warm and fuzzy fur might end up under Monsieur Depardieu’s rear end furry side up, check out my Smile page.  The same friends who advised me to follow Depardieu’s story further, urged me not to let go of Putin  as well, therefore I’ve added two items with either Putin or his name attached to them. Come on, smile!

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3 comments on “Mon Dieu, Monsieur Depardieu!

  1. I loved Depardieu in Green Card – he was such a peasant! It appears that perhaps Mr. Depardieu didn’t think this through. What about the other countries that don’t have income tax, like Texas, for example? jk

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