Zodiac: Love And Other Deviant Behaviors

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My birthday is coming up in a few days. Sad but inevitable. But I don’t mind. Because if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. Mind over matter, reminds us Satchel Paige. Therefore, I’ll allow myself a giddy-silly post that would’ve been more appropriate on a Smile page. Ah, well… As they say, birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake.

My Zodiac sign is Pisces. I’m a fish bone polished by life to a brilliant shine, and no, I don’t believe in horoscopes, unless I read them in The Onion. My favorite of all times was this (I don’t remember, unfortunately, which sign and when deserved such ominously hilarious prediction). Here it goes:

After years of struggling to write The Great American Novel, months of struggling to write The Great American Novella, and weeks of struggling to write The Great American Short Story, you will finally break down and spend a few minutes writing The Great American Suicide Letter.

So the rest of this post is all about signs of Zodiac.  Fair warning — some of the material could be considered objectionable by some readers.

Taurus is practicall

Taurus is practicall

WHAT ZODIAC SIGNS THINK, TALK AND DO 

ARIES thinks – a lot. Talks – very little. Does – just right.

TAURUS thinks about everything. Talks – convincingly. Does – hoping for the best.

GEMINI thinks – highly about himself. Says – what he thinks. Does – he thinks, very well.

CANCER thinks – constantly. Talks – enigmatically. Does – what he is told.

 LEO thinks – precisely. Talks – too much. Does – as little as he can get away with.

 VIRGO thinks – one thing. Says – another. Does – yet another, but very well.

LIBRA thinks – too much. Talks – honestly but hesitantly. Does – responsibly.

 

Ovens are enterpreneural

Oven is enterpreneural

SCORPIO thinks – intensely. Talks – exactly. Does – whatever he likes to do at the moment.

 SAGITTARIUS thinks that only he can… Says that everybody but him… Does – by proxy, with other people’s hands.

CAPRICORN thinks what comes to his mind. Says – whatever he came up with. Does – as much as he can manage.

AQUARIUS thinks, “What do you want?” Says, “Well, if it is necessary then perhaps…” Does – the best he can under the circumstances.

PISCES thinks, “No one knows.” Talks – throwing witticisms around. Does – depending on whether or not others verify his work.

ZODIAC SIGNS IN LOVE

Gemini is deft

Gemini is deft

ARIES:  Fell in love, suffered a great deal because if it, but never fell out of love.

OVEN: Fell in love… Finally.

GEMINI: Fell in love, then fell in love, then fell in love. Repeat.

CANCER: Fell in love. Got married.

LEO: Fell in love – didn’t like it, decided never to fall in love again.

VIRGO: Pretended to fall in love, but very believably.

LIBRA: Weighted all pros and cons… Fell in love.SCORPIO: Fell in love – endured, fell in love – endured. Repeat.

SAGITTARIUS: Fell in love. Got his way. Hurray!

CAPRICORN: Fell in love and made the other fall in love with him/her.

Cancer is sensitive

Cancer is sensitive

AQUARIUS: Searched and searched for love – then found it and fell head over heels.

PISCES: Fell in live, cheated, and regretted both.

HOW ZODIAC SIGNS BEHAVE WHEN SENT TO EFF*** THEMSELVES

TAURUS. Taurus asks in horror, “Eff*** myself? What do you mean?”  And immediately starts complaining that he has been sent to eff*** himself. “Yes, eff*** myself… Can you imagine?” But in the end, he’d leave, and go where he has been sent, shaking his head in disbelieve and muttering curses under his breath.

GEMINI. Twins simply do not leave. Do not leave and basta. They stay where they are and gaze at those who sent them to eff*** themselves reproachfully.  In the end, those who sent them out to *** themselves have no choice but go and eff*** themselves.

Virgo is analytical

Virgo is analytical

CANCER. Cancer would behave extremely upset, and try to find out whether he was, indeed, sent to eff*** himself. “Are you sure? Perhaps, after all…? Oh, oh, oh… well, yes, I understand. Or maybe not?” Like Taurus, he goes away, eventually, but, unlike Taurus, proudly.

LEO. Leo goes exactly where he was sent. He was sent to eff*** himself, wasn’t he?  He was. Sent. So, he must carry out the impossible mission… and send back frequent reports with the latest news of the successful execution.

SAGITTARIUS. Sagittarius will take his sweet time, dragging his feet, looking back and making frequent stops along the way to think about it. And even when gone, he’d periodically be coming back, asking, “May I come back already? No? But… Ah, well, just asking.”

AQUARIUS. Aquarius takes up the suggestion cheerfully, singing on the way to eff *** himself and never looking back. Go and eff*** myself? Fine, be this way.Whatever… 

Scorpio is astute

Scorpio is astute

PISCES. They just go. Shrug their shoulders and go. Well, think of it this way – I had it worse. Much worse. It’s not like being shot, you know.

VIRGO. Virgo will cry. Then cry again. Then she would weeps. Then she hesitantly move in the direction indicated, stopping along the way to sob. Virgo would reach his destination, not too soon but surely.

LIBRA. Libra’s immediate reaction will be sending whoever sent him to eff*** himself to eff*** himself. He’d do this and stare. If the “whoever” doesn’t want to go, Libra will try gentle persuasion. Why not? It could be fun to do it together, no?

SCORPIO. Most likely, Scorpio won’t even notice that he was sent to eff*** himself. He has a very different life interests and your petty anger doesn’t concern him one bit.

CAPRICORN. Capricorn goes to eff *** himself quickly and decisively, wasting no time looking back. But then… He’d plot his revenge, to be sure. He started to do it immediately after having been sent. Oh-oh-oh!  Beware of vengeful Capricorns.

Pisces are dreamers...

Pisces are dreamers…

TAURUS. Taurus asks in horror, “Eff*** myself? What do you mean?”  And immediately starts complaining that he has been sent to eff*** himself. “Yes, eff*** myself… Can you imagine?” But in the end, he’d leave, and go where he has been sent, shaking his head in disbelieve and muttering curses under his breath.

GEMINI. Twins simply do not leave. Do not leave and basta. They stay where they are and gaze at those who sent them to eff*** themselves reproachfully.  In the end, those who sent them out to *** themselves have no choice but go and eff*** themselves.

CANCER. Cancer would behave extremely upset, and try to find out whether he was, indeed, sent to eff*** himself. “Are you sure? Perhaps, after all…? Oh, oh, oh… well, yes, I understand. Or maybe not?” But, like Taurus, eventually he goes away, but, unlike Taurus, proudly.

LEO. Leo goes exactly where he was sent. He was sent to eff*** himself, wasn’t he?  He was. Sent. So, he must carry out the impossible mission… and send back frequent reports with the latest news of the successful execution.

Aquarius is original

Aquarius is original

SAGITTARIUS. Sagittarius will take his sweet time, dragging his feet, looking back and making frequent stops along the way to think about it. And even when gone, he’d periodically be coming asking, “May I come back already? No? But… Ah, well, just asking.”

AQUARIUS. Aquarius takes up the suggestion cheerfully, singing on the way to eff *** himself and never looking back. Go and eff*** myself? Fine, be this way.Whatever… 

PISCES. They just go. Shrug their shoulders and go. Well, think of it this way – I had it worse. Much worse. It’s not like being shot, you know.

VIRGO. Virgo will cry. Then cry again. Then she would weep. Then she hesitantly move in the direction indicated, stopping along the way to sob. Virgo would reach his destination, not too soon but surely.

LIBRA. Libra’s immediate reaction will be sending whoever sent him to eff*** himself to eff*** himself. He’d do this and stare. If the “whoever” doesn’t want to go, Libra will try gentle persuasion. Why not? It could be fun to do it together, no?

Capricorn is cautious

Capricorn is cautious

SCORPIO. Most likely, Scorpio won’t even notice that he was sent to eff*** himself. He has a very different life interests and your petty anger doesn’t concern him one bit.

CAPRICORN. Capricorn goes to eff *** himself quickly and decisively, wasting no time looking back. But then… He’d plot his revenge, to be sure. He started to do it immediately after having been sent. Oh-oh-oh!  Beware of vengeful Capricorns.

TAURUS. Taurus asks in horror, “Eff*** myself? What do you mean?”  And immediately starts complaining that he has been sent to eff*** himself. “Yes, eff*** myself… Can you imagine?” But in the end, he’d leave, and go where he has been sent, shaking his head in disbelieve and muttering curses under his breath.

GEMINI. Twins simply do not leave. Do not leave and basta. They stay where they are and gaze at those who sent them to eff*** themselves reproachfully.  In the end, those who sent them out to *** themselves have no choice but go and eff*** themselves.

Leo is a show-off

Leo is a show-off

CANCER. Cancer would behave extremely upset, and try to find out whether he was, indeed, sent to eff*** himself. “Are you sure? Perhaps, after all…? Oh, oh, oh… well, yes, I understand. Or maybe not?” Like Taurus, he goes away eventually but, unlike Taurus, he goes away proudly.

LEO. Leo goes exactly where he was sent. He was sent to eff*** himself, wasn’t he?  He was. Sent. So, he must carry out the impossible mission… and send back frequent reports with the latest news of the successful execution.

SAGITTARIUS. Sagittarius will take his sweet time, dragging his feet, looking back and making frequent stops along the way to think about it. And even when gone, he’d periodically be coming asking, “May I come back already? No? But… Ah, well, just asking.”

AQUARIUS. Aquarius takes up the suggestion cheerfully, singing on the way to eff *** himself and never looking back. Go and eff*** myself? Fine, be this way.Whatever… 

Libra is balanced

Libra is balanced

PISCES. They just go. Shrug their shoulders and go. Well, think of it this way – I had it worse. Much worse. It’s not like being shot, you know.

VIRGO. Virgo will cry. Then cry again. Then she would weep. Then she hesitantly move in the direction indicated, stopping along the way to sob. Virgo would reach his destination, not too soon but surely.

LIBRA. Libra’s immediate reaction will be sending whoever sent him to eff*** himself to eff*** himself. He’d do this and stare. If the “whoever” doesn’t want to go, Libra will try gentle persuasion. Why not? It could be fun to do it together, no?

SCORPIO. Most likely, Scorpio won’t even notice that he was sent to eff*** himself. He has a very different life interests and your petty anger doesn’t concern him one bit.

CAPRICORN. Capricorn goes to eff *** himself quickly and decisively, wasting no time looking back. But then… he’d plot his revenge, to be sure. He started to do it immediately after having been sent to eff *** himself. Oh-oh-oh!  Beware of vengeful Capricorns.

Sagittarius is straightforward

Sagittarius is straightforward

 HOW ZODIAC SIGNS PICK THEIR NOSES

ARIES. Representatives of this sign begin to pick their noses suddenly and furiously. Do not tolerate advice or criticism from anyone, friends or enemies alike. Often, their nose picking endeavors are accompanied by mass arrests, shootings, riots, revolutions, in some cases – even an eruptions of wars.

TAURUS. Approaches the subject carefully, from afar and without heist. Approximately one week before the act of nose-picking takes place, makes a note in the diary. “Saturday 07:04:32 pm. Nose picking experiment is about to begin.” Turns off the phone and other electronic devices.  Disinfects fingers. Selects the nostril using acoustic spectroscopy. Never misses.

GEMINI. Twins switch from one nostril to another in rapid succession, unable to decide which nostril to start picking first. As a result, they often pick neither, but remain extremely pleased with themselves and immediately dedicate poems they composed, or murals they painted to this glorious event. 

CANCER. Extremely shy, representatives of this sign pick their noses mostly in dark rooms, either alone or in groups of 2, 3 or 4 people, Cancerians like themselves. The entire time they contemplate various metaphysical phenomena, such as cosmology or impermanence of things, explaining them from an entirely new perspective. Often they make entries in their personal diaries, describing range of feelings they experienced.

LEO. Pick their noses mostly surrounded by adoring and applauding spectators. Studies show that applauses and shouts Bravo! Encore!  increase efficiency of Leos’  nose picking by as much as 40-47%.

VIRGO. A true esthete, Virgo is convinced that nose picking is beneath him/her and go against his/her moral and ethical principles. Enthusiastically participates in the discussion of Gerhard Von Kraynershtaysburg’s book Picking Your Nose. Cause And Effect, then writes a detailed review, which appears in all major publications.

LIBRA. Those people thoroughly consider all the “pros” and “cons”. Weight the opinion of friends and family. Consult psychoanalysts, psychiatrists, psychics and horticulturalists. Read Gerhard Von Kraynershtaysburg’s book Picking Your Nose. Cause And Effect, and a major publication where Virgo’s review of the book appeared. Make yet another appointment with their shrinks. Always make the right decision.

SCORPIO. They pick their noses, squinting surreptitiously, as if choosing their next victim. When Scorpios are involved in nose-picking process, it is better not to touch them or even approach them, keeping at least 10 feet away. Some scientists have suggested that during this time Scorpios are more cunning and dangerous than during their mating season.

SAGITTARIUS. They pick their noses vigorously, with jokes and quips, entertaining everyone until such time that their index finger gets stuck in their noses. But they do not give up even then – there are still nine fingers remaining and another 10 on their feet! Energetic, witty and optimistic, Sagittarius people travel the world, returning home with at least 6 working fingers on their hands and feet each.

CAPRICORN. Capricorns pick their noses if and only if absolutely necessary. Prior to embarking on serious nose picking, they call an ambulance, the police, firefighters, neighbors, and FEMA… just in case. They are proactive, thus never get into situations where they’d have to frantically dial emergency numbers with broken fingers.

AQUARIUS. Of all the signs of the Zodiac, Aquarius claims the largest number of geniuses. Instead of brainlessly picking their noses, representatives of this sign will derive formula of the perfect nose-picking, then take the cube root of the absolute nose-picking number divided by 2. Next, they’d call their closest Zodiacal friend, Gemini, and together they’d write an opera, a choral, and a concerto grosso for five pianos and orchestra.

PISCES never really take their fingers out of their noses. While nose-picking, they eat, drink, play sports and accordion, participate in political rallies and climb mountains, all because they are always either lost in their thoughts or constantly meditate. They simply forget to pull their fingers out of their noses. When they do remember – it’s usually too late.

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HOW ZODIAC SIGNS SAY “I LOVE YOU”

TAURUS:    I love you, I said. And I did as I said.

GEMINI:     On Wednesday – yes, and then… Well, not on Thursday anymore.

CANCER:   Do I love you? Don’t you see I cry? That’s how.

LEO:           I love… myself, mostly.

VIRGO:      May I? Well, may I, like, love you?

LIBRA:      If you love me as I love you, I’ll get you a star off the skies… or buy it on eBay.

SCORPIO: On top of everything else, you don’t love me?

ARIES:      I love you, but if you don’t love me, then you are effing slut.

SAGITTARIUS: I love you, come quickly.

CAPRICORN: Let me love you, and you love me, OK?

AQUARIUS: I love you, and also blondes with DD cup breasts and little dark Latina girls too.

PISCES:       I love you. On the other hand, I’m not sure. But, surely, I won’t tell anyone if I’d know for sure.

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ZODIAC SIGNS AFTER SEX

Aries: «OK, let’s do it again! »
Taurus: «I’m hungry! Let’s order pizza! »
Gemini: «Where do you keep your TV remote? »
Рак: «Are we are getting married? »
Leo: «I think I was magnificent! »
Virgo: «I think I should change sheets.»
Весы: «If you liked it, then I liked it too.»
Scorpio: «I think you may untie me now.»
Sagittarius: «Don»’t call me. I’ll call you. »
Capricorn: «Do you have a business card? »
Aquarius: «Now, let’s try the same but this time – undressed! »
Pisces: «What did you say was your name? »

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