Software, Hardware and Underwear

“Hello, Susan! This is your bra speaking. I feel your heat. Should I unsnap? Say Yes or press 1 for Yes. Say No or press 2 for No. Say nothing or press 3 for I think about it.”

Bra

Right. This IS the future. And it’s here.

Fumbling with hooks when your heart is racing and you, the woman, want to be rid off the harness that keeps your breasts from…

And you, the man, bursting out of your pants with desire, fumbling with hooks of her bra, cursing silently…

Rejoice, sexy-horny brethren! These barbaric times are over, and the new dawn is upon us all.

Ravijour, the Japanese lingerie brand, launches bra that can only be unfastened when its wearer is experiencing ‘true love’.

  • Ravijour claims app monitors heart rate of the bra wearer. The bra’s in-built heart monitor reacts to any increase in the wearer’s pulse rate by sending a signal to the mobile phone app via Bluetooth.
  • When wearer’s heart rate soars during a romantic moment, bra bursts open. The bra works by monitoring heart rate increases specifically caused by hormone levels secreted by the adrenal medulla – the gland that releases adrenalin into the bloodstream.
  • When woman’s pulse hits the ‘True Love Rate’, the bra unfastens on its own. But not so fast. The app monitors the changes for a few minutes trying to figure out the cause of the heart rate increase. When the app is “sure” the rate reached its ‘True Love Rate’, the bra literally bursts open. Voilà!

Whatever takes place next is not yet programmed. It’s pretty much up to the participants. Ravijour made no announcement regarding electronically monitored panties. This would be a logical next step in design and development of computerized underwear.  

Ravijour assures the bra will not spontaneously and continually burst open whenever the woman undertakes cardio workout or other non-sexual-but-still-pulse-rate-elevating activities. Ravijour insists that the app would deploy the unsnapping devise only when the spike in heart rate is brought about by sexual excitement. It would do some computing and know the difference. Oh, boy! This technology is totally not for cold-blooded!

BraIn an  instructional video to mark the bra’s launch, women are seen being pestered in a nightclub by various sleazy characters, including the money-brandishing ‘Flash Guy’ and a cheating lothario called ‘The Technician’. Bizarre, no?

The men are then seen unsuccessfully attempting to unclasp a Ravijour bra. As a voice-over suggests, the bra would bravely stay on and ‘save’ women from unwanted sexual advances. The built-in semiautomatic wasn’t mentioned. Perhaps the bra could be modified for the USA market in the future. The comparison to chastity belts comes to mind as well — a chastity belt that needs a code punched into a smartphone instead of inserting a key into a keyhole…

Various unidentified technicians, doctors and relationship experts then go on to explain exactly how the bra works and why it is such a revolutionary product.

Revolutionary. Yes indeed. Tremendous breakthrough no matter how you look at it. To think that I might not have lived to become a contemporary of such a useful appliance… Scary.

The way I see it, self-unzipping pants for gentlemen whose hands are busy with a touchscreens of their smartphones during romantic moments, should be next. The software, I suppose, would be even easier to design — it can work entirely without  monitoring elevated heartbeat… Men are much simpler creatures, really…

Apologies for the attempt on scabrous remark. As monumental as this newest breakthrough in lingerie software development is, I couldn’t quite contain myself… my pulse was racing…

“This is your bra speaking! I’m confused. Your heartbeat reached ‘True Love Rate’… Do you want me to unsnap now? Hello? Hell-lo! Hell…”   

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